An Authentic Moment in History

Can I be real for just a moment?

The depression I'm experiencing is very real today. I cannot seem to work, experience anything emotional other than pain, or even rest in my misery. It seems that my only outlet is anger and frustration.

My increasing concerns about COVID-19 are mounting with those around me seeming to care very little for the distress this causes myself and many others. But let's be honest, this distress pales in comparison to those who are critically ill or have died as a result of complacency in the face of a deadly virus.

It's not just that though, as if deadly viruses weren't enough to be concerned about, I am also just tired of my desk job that at best engages only the most critical side of myself while having no appreciation for my creative passion or passion to pursue anything beyond the bare minimum. It's exhausting to only be functioning with 5% of my brain and 1% of my heart. I've checked out; there really isn't a place for the other 95% of my brain and 99% of my heart in a way that is healthy.

Today, I am thankful for this blog, not necessarily because it ultimately solves anything, but because it's a safe place for me to be honest about my experience, where nobody is looking to minimize or excuse my very real experience. But that's just it, there is nowhere that I truly feel safe. There is nowhere that I feel truly understood. It maybe just rests somewhere between you, me, and God assuming that I have the capacity to experience an honest assessment of myself and my experience. When taught from the beginning that my thoughts and emotions were not okay nor what mattered most, I'm left feeling unsafe even with my own mind that hauntingly attacks myself as a continuation of the trauma that others inflicted on me years ago.

My experience and emotions were abandoned so long ago...will they still be there when I return?

Pain has become my constant companion, more loyal than all others. Will it ever go away? Will I ever break free from this bondage? Will it be like a prison break for my mind or will it be a lifetime of incarceration that is inescapable? I could not tell you, but so far it has been life in prison from what I can tell.

So, where is there to go from here? If I stop fighting I will surely die a slow heartless death. If I fight, I'm sure to face a constant barrage of resistance with no end in sight. Yet, as miserable as I may be, I cannot give up; this is my life. It is my one and only, and I will make the best of it. I'm left with fighting for what's been left in my control and praying what for what is truly out of my control.